Candidate #0000 - Post 19
37 days until graduation.
“Out of the dark
Hörst du die stunde, die dir sagt
Into the light
I give up and close my eyes
Out of the dark
Hörst du die stunde, die dir sagt
Into the light
I give up and you waste your tears
To the night”
- Falco, Austrian rock star (1957-1998)
Sometimes I feel like my life is a graveyard of broken dreams.
In the Anne of Green Gables books (one of my favorite books), someone warns Anne about the dangers of putting your whole heart in dreams and new ideas and getting too excited and happy about something, because when things don’t work out you’ll be extremely disappointed.
Anne argues that this is the only way to live your life to the fullest and that she wouldn’t want to give up the highs, even if she knows they come at the cost of severe disappointments.
Anne and I have a lot in common. And usually, I would agree with her, but today I’m seriously questioning if it’s all worth it. But then again, I know I couldn’t NOT get excited and invested in my dreams. I just don’t know how to only put half of my heart into something.
Today has not been my day. No, that’s an understatement. Today, I feel like my life has become a graveyard of broken dreams. And as I mentioned before, I put my whole heart into my dreams. They are like my babies. And when they die, part of me dies. And after that, I’ll never be the same again.
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense, but I don’t know how else to describe how I’m feeling right now.
But I probably should have started from the beginning.
I had already scheduled an on-campus interview with this school. But when I scheduled the interview, I also asked whether or not they would be able to sponsor me for a visa, as I wanted to find out that information prior to coming on-campus. They had to check with Human Resources and today I got my answer…and it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for. So I had to cancel the on-campus interview.
Let me just say, the ResLife staff there was really great and I really feel like they tried their best. It had nothing to do with them and I really appreciate that they went through the hassle of looking into this for me.
But after I got the phone call, I felt like my world was falling apart. This school had been on the top of my list at the moment. I really liked the staff members I met. The more I learned about the position the more I liked it. I really felt like this would be a great fit and I would greatly enjoy working there. I was starting to fall in love….
The rest of the day I just felt like crying. All my energy went into trying not to cry in front of anyone. I spent about an hour in the office trying to do work and just didn’t get anything done. I had the hardest time paying attention in class today and of course we had to talk about conference and job searching, which just made me want to throw up.
I know I shouldn’t take this so too heart, but it was just one of those nightmares that suddenly came true, caught me by surprise and totally knocked me over. My brain tells me that I’ll get over this – life goes on, right? – and then it’ll be just one of those unhappy memories that I try to block out. But right now, it feels like this is the end. I’m probably going to spend the rest of the night curled up on my couch under a thick blanket as if I was sick, eating ice cream (yes, I eat ice cream when I’m sick) and watching TV. I taped tonight’s One Tree Hill episode and it promises to be sad one, so I’ll be able to have a good cry and pretend it was just because of the sad storyline.
Sometimes I just really feel like I’m not wanted in this country, and I don’t know why I keep insisting on staying here. Why do I put myself through this torture? Is it really worth it?
“Out of the dark
Hörst du die stunde, die dir sagt
Into the light
I give up and close my eyes
Out of the dark
Hörst du die stunde, die dir sagt
Into the light
I give up and you waste your tears
To the night”
- Falco, Austrian rock star (1957-1998)
Sometimes I feel like my life is a graveyard of broken dreams.
In the Anne of Green Gables books (one of my favorite books), someone warns Anne about the dangers of putting your whole heart in dreams and new ideas and getting too excited and happy about something, because when things don’t work out you’ll be extremely disappointed.
Anne argues that this is the only way to live your life to the fullest and that she wouldn’t want to give up the highs, even if she knows they come at the cost of severe disappointments.
Anne and I have a lot in common. And usually, I would agree with her, but today I’m seriously questioning if it’s all worth it. But then again, I know I couldn’t NOT get excited and invested in my dreams. I just don’t know how to only put half of my heart into something.
Today has not been my day. No, that’s an understatement. Today, I feel like my life has become a graveyard of broken dreams. And as I mentioned before, I put my whole heart into my dreams. They are like my babies. And when they die, part of me dies. And after that, I’ll never be the same again.
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense, but I don’t know how else to describe how I’m feeling right now.
But I probably should have started from the beginning.
I had already scheduled an on-campus interview with this school. But when I scheduled the interview, I also asked whether or not they would be able to sponsor me for a visa, as I wanted to find out that information prior to coming on-campus. They had to check with Human Resources and today I got my answer…and it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for. So I had to cancel the on-campus interview.
Let me just say, the ResLife staff there was really great and I really feel like they tried their best. It had nothing to do with them and I really appreciate that they went through the hassle of looking into this for me.
But after I got the phone call, I felt like my world was falling apart. This school had been on the top of my list at the moment. I really liked the staff members I met. The more I learned about the position the more I liked it. I really felt like this would be a great fit and I would greatly enjoy working there. I was starting to fall in love….
The rest of the day I just felt like crying. All my energy went into trying not to cry in front of anyone. I spent about an hour in the office trying to do work and just didn’t get anything done. I had the hardest time paying attention in class today and of course we had to talk about conference and job searching, which just made me want to throw up.
I know I shouldn’t take this so too heart, but it was just one of those nightmares that suddenly came true, caught me by surprise and totally knocked me over. My brain tells me that I’ll get over this – life goes on, right? – and then it’ll be just one of those unhappy memories that I try to block out. But right now, it feels like this is the end. I’m probably going to spend the rest of the night curled up on my couch under a thick blanket as if I was sick, eating ice cream (yes, I eat ice cream when I’m sick) and watching TV. I taped tonight’s One Tree Hill episode and it promises to be sad one, so I’ll be able to have a good cry and pretend it was just because of the sad storyline.
Sometimes I just really feel like I’m not wanted in this country, and I don’t know why I keep insisting on staying here. Why do I put myself through this torture? Is it really worth it?
posted by StudentAffairs.com at 8:28 AM
5 Comments:
That's too bad. i also got a rejection from a school that I had been hopeful about.
It makes you second guess yourself.
Hope your day gets better.
Sorry to hear about the work issues. I empathize because it always sucks to have to tell our international students that only about 200 international students get into medical schools in the US and that we've never had one get in. Good luck finding a sponsor!!
Candidate #0000, I think you've really put yourself out there, both with this blog, and with your job search. You have made me feel so good about the fact that I share so many of the same miserable job search concerns that you do. I am really sorry that you've had such a bad day. It sounds to me like you're going to be an excellent candidate. You are working very hard at applying, and I know you're going to get interviews at other places you like, too. You're in my thoughts a lot!!
hey there -- yeah, those days do suck =( sounds like you have a good plan for getting the hurt and frustration out (a good cry over cheesy TV always helps!). once that is out the way, think about it this way - it wasn't "the perfect fit" anyways, because that would include help with your visa!
and not to give you false hope about this particular school, but, i would make sure you are very clear (perhaps in writing) about what you are asking for - the H1B sponsorship and not Green Card (aka permanent residence) sponsorship. i'm sure their HR knows the difference, but i've found that most people don't, and sometimes things get lost in translation between the res life person you speak with on the phone and the time it gets to someone who actually understands all the details. since most (maybe all) schools would not be able/want to sponsor you for a green card at this point, it is worth emphasizing the details with everyone you talk to so you can be sure you have explored the right options.
take care & don't give up hope, you will find a great fit that will work!
The school I work for was hoping to bring a candidate to campus but we couldn't because of their international status. Such a bummer, since we all thought she was great... I suppose some institutions just have better resources for helping their employees through the visa process....
Hope you find something that works for you.
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